Twilight- First Love, Heartache and Happiness

I have delayed writing this experience til now because it is not as entertaining as I usually like my stories to be. However my posts have not all been stories as of late and I have finally consented (to myself) to document it. There seems to be a new novel writing technique- that of making characters that we can relate to and having them find similarities in their lives to the classics. This is what I'm about to do, but my story doesn't relate to a single story but to many. And it doesn't exactly relate to any classic either but to a book that uses this technique. So I'm in essence relating my life to a story that in turn relates to yet another story.

I'm not starting at the very beginning because it is not all important. I will start a few years ago when I fell in love with a boy. When I read Twilight for the first time I related him to Edward. The thing is I was very attracted to him and he to me. He from the get go warned that he was not good for me but I chose to see differently. I saw the bad boy edge but I also saw his potential. I could see that certain things in his life made him a "monster" as Edward viewed himself but his actions to me showed how he was overcoming that and did everything he could not to fit the stereotype. I was not afraid of him although I probably should've like Bella also should've feared the vampire within. But both Bella and I saw the efforts of restraint and chose to admire that trait. I'm still not sure if I was wrong to do this though I know there were plenty of other mistakes made (I still don't regret them, for I learned from them).

I remember having a discussion with him once about who loved the other person more. His answer was much like Edward's. He told me he had seen more of love and had experienced it more and lived longer... the likes while I was inexperienced and naive. I'll admit that both Bella and I were inexperienced but that doesn't always mean we don't understand something or are even wrong. As is the case for Bella it worked out- they were akin to soulmates. Anyways, skipping ahead- the point of this is not really the love story and the similarities that way.

In the second book Edward leaves and Bella becomes a zombie. This isn't exactly my story, but I broke it off- it wasn't right, but when I broke it off I really didn't think I was doing anything permanent, I kinda thought of it as wrong timing. I closed off afterwards. I got really depressed, he had moved on, and I started realizing it really was over and not just a matter of timing. My Mom one day came into my room asking me if I was alright. I replied, "Yes, why?" (In my mind, the sun was out, I had slept in and just woken up- today was a good day, nothing new had really happened.) And then she responded, "You just have been kinda distant recently." I can't remember if I had already read the second book or if it was later that week, but when I read through Edward's missing months and how she virtually became a walking zombie, I realized it was a pretty accurate description of what I had let myself become. On the outside I did everything I was supposed to, I talked to people, when they talked to me. I even would get excited on occasion when talking with close friends- but someone else always had to initiate it. I became the shy girl that I had, until recently, overcome. In Bella's case she had Jacob, who becomes a love interest, but for me, well I was too attached to my ex at the time. People react differently after a break up, but for me I closed off completely. I was pretty confident of myself- even still. I knew that if I opened up and showed someone my true self I could get any guy I wanted- the problem was, I felt like I would only be on the rebound. I felt like I'd just be using some poor guy and then have to break their heart once I had sufficiently used them- so I just avoided all guys. There were guys I met that I thought were cute- I just wouldn't talk to them, I wouldn't let them see the real me. The only guys I talked to were the ones related to me, my previous guy friends and on a need-only basis and I limited my contact even then. I didn't want to use some poor Jacob character and then have to break his heart.

There was a brief time when I let someone in- I thought I was over my ex, and I can say I gave him an honest chance. When I briefly dated this guy, I didn't compare him to my ex, I gave him a fair chance, but when I felt it wasn't right anymore I broke that one off. The things we do to protect our hearts once they've been seriously broken. For a long time I felt like damaged goods- that I'd never have my whole heart to give again.

Don't get me wrong- in the books I wanted Edward and Bella together- and there was a time when I thought it would work out much the same for me. But those feelings didn't last long- I knew my story would be different- but that still didn't take away the pain.

I don't know if the next part fully relates to the book, but I will continue to relate where applicable. In my story, I didn't have a Jacob character- well not really. I was my own Jacob. I pulled myself out of my zombie-ness. In my "Edward" relationship I had tried to heal him, so to speak- I had tried to change him and it didn't work. So I didn't want to be in a relationship where someone else had to heal me- I wanted to heal myself- which is mainly how it works- you and the Savior. Anyways, yet another reason why I pulled away from guys. I learned to be happy on my own. I am now JUST as happy as Bella was when Edward came back- not as in love as she was, obviously, but I am cured. It took me way longer than I would like to admit, but I am whole once again. Now, however I feel out of practice with being myself around guys, especially. I love my church calling, I focus on the girls around me, but it has drawn me out of my shell almost to the point where I was before entering zombie-land. My story ends differently. My Edward will change. The first one, was the one I had, and the final one is one of my choosing, sometime in the future. I will still end up just as happy and in love as Bella when I finally find my future Edward (I use that term loosely- I don't expect to find some perfect person- I just mean to find someone that I love as much as Bella loves Edward). Throughout this whole experience I have learned more than I could ever contain in one post but mostly I have learned that everyone has faults, but sometimes one is not accustomed to having patience with certain faults. My previous relationship was far from perfect- his flaw was not like Edward's was, as far as I was not patient enough to really be there for him, and I don't really regret that, there are simply certain things that I have learned that I cannot, personally, put up with. People have different personalities. Maybe one person is too messy- maybe they shouldn't be with a neat freak- but there is still someone out there for that person. I know what I can and can't handle. I still believe as I once believed (part of the reason I ended up with him) that he could change, but I'm not longer looking for someone I have to change. I don't care where they've been- I feel that people need different things in life- sometimes the farther they've come and the more they've overcome makes them stronger. Some are just lucky enough not to fall- whatever the case may be, I don't care how he got it but he needs a testimony of the Atonement and what it can do for people. I don't care if he is IN the process of changing when I meet him, but I want to know for sure that he is changing for HIMSELF and not because he feels that I expect it and he needs to in order to be with me- that's not a lasting change. In my case, I had forgiven him for everything he had done- it was just a matter that he stopped changing, and I should've realized it then- that it was NOT a lasting change. He had been changing for me, not for himself, and that is the difference. I don't think it matters that you're dating someone while you are changing. You will never be perfect, you will always be changing in some way or another, what matters is that you change for yourself and not someone else and that you know that the person you are with truly wants the same things and goals that you do. One can inspire another and sometimes it helps to be with someone who has faith in you to help you through, but the desire to change has to be all your own. I know that break-ups can be hard, and I know that they can sometime seem to last forever, but I know that they end- all of them. It's just a matter of time (as cliche as that is...)